Don't Laugh- You'll Only Encourage Them

Toady McPherson here- I am a professional lobbyist for the corporate radio industry and I have hacked into this blog to clear up a few misrepresentations which have been made here. The (and I don't use this term lightly) broadcast terrorism group known as Coyote Radio has blatantly been spreading disinformation via this site and other sources, in an attempt to further line their deep pockets with your hard-earned money. "Fundraising," they call it. Highway robbery might be a more apt term. To think, they actually have the nerve to call themselves "non-profit." This is just one of their many lies.

The Coyotes have implied time and again that the people of your fine community need, or in fact even WANT an alternative to mainstream radio. (The purveyors of which I am proud to represent.) This is patently misleading. We have found through extensive focus group research that most people LIKE the mass-produced, vanilla-flavored blah blah blah which dominates the dial. Otherwise, they wouldn't listen. Obviously people ARE listening, because advertisers are happy and isn't that what it's really all about, people?

Take music, for example. Most people listen to the radio for soothing background music to make the commute and the workplace as pleasant and tolerable as possible. And no matter what your taste- from contemporary Country to your choice of Rocks- Lite or Classic- we've got you covered. And who knows better how to program music, some local rube DJ (who's probably smoking marijuana during the commercial breaks,) or our state-of-the-art demographically-specific computerized playlist generator, the Omnitune 3000?

Some malcontents complain that our system precludes any interesting or ground-breaking new artists from making it onto the air. And they say that like it's a bad thing. Just imagine- you're on your way to work, balancing a Starbucks (TM) Grande Mocha Latte in one hand and a McDonald's (TM) Bacon McMuffin McGriddle sandwich in the other. Suddenly, startlingly interesting music comes through your car's speakers. That's how people end up scalded or even dead. Not on my watch, mister.

The Coyotes also claim that local community radio will give the public more of a voice. REDUNDANT. You already have a voice on the radio, people. Wherever you fall on the political spectrum, from Rush Limbaugh to the raving of the liberal media news networks- you are represented. We even have NPR to give voice to the real nut jobs out there. There is simply no need for uninformed local voices to add to the cacophonic din.

Lastly, comedy. Coyote Radio Theater (the least reputable branch of the Coyote Radio family) claims to be a source of radio comedy. Personally, I don't find them very amusing, but even if they have made you chuckle in the past, you can not claim with a straight face that they can hold a candle to any one of the many Howard Stern-knockoffs which proliferate morning drive-time radio. I tell you, that sort of edgy comedy never fails to elicit a guffaw. At the very least a belly laff.

And, once again, Coyote Radio insists on holding their annual Day of the Dead fundraising dinner. This is offensive on many levels. First of all, death just isn't funny. Not one bit. Second, aren't you tired of Mexican holidays sneaking across the border and stealing time away from hard-working American holidays? Maybe that big fence will keep nonsense like this out.

I implore you, on bended knees- do not attend the Coyote Radio Theater Day of the Dead Dinner Show on November 11th at the Smoki Museum. Do not purchase your tickets at Show Business Video (for God's sake, go to Blockbuster (TM.) No smutty art films or community events on display there.) Do not enjoy the delicious Southwestern dinner. (If you want Southwestern food, go to Chili's (TM) The jalepeno poppers are awesome!) And if you must, must, must attend, please do not laugh at the jokes about evil squirrels, gay monkeys or morbidly obese hypnotists. If you do laugh, these freaks will just keep going until they have taken over the airwaves with radio which (gasp) has some local flavor to it.

This message has been brought to you by the Council for Radio Advertising & Programming.